Rude Rhymes for Children

Max's rude rhymes are nonsense poems for children which include the odd rude word, or rude idea. If you're 11 or 12, you'll probably think the poems terribly tame, but if you're any younger it might be a good idea to seek parental or teacherly guidance before embarking on them. The first poem, A Nonsense Confection, is a test of your and my ability to spot a rude poem. The first time I read it I thought it was sweet (it's about mints!) and innocent. On a second reading, I decided it was really rather rude. Now I'm not sure what I think, so I'll let you decide.

A Nonsense Confection

A nonsense poem about a romantic relationship between two different types of mint. It's full of confectionary puns and some single innuendo, but it may at heart still be a clean poem masquerading as a dirty one.

The Jelly Baby’s Lament

Think of the suffering of the poor jelly baby next time you bite off its head and them chew through its body. It's surprising there isn't a pressure group protesting for jelly baby rights. Or perhaps there is…

Naked Breakfast

The title may promise more than the poem delivers, as it's only the presence of a stripper and a concert singer with poor bladder control that relegated the poem to the rude rhymes. Having said that, it's as mad as a box of frogs and well worth a read.

Horace’s Fairy God Mother

Poor Horace is short, fat and smelly, and all his school enemies thinks he's weird. You'd think life could only get better when his fairy godmother appears. If only.

Poor Oscar

Poor Oscar is a cautionary verse about a boy who farts so violently that he's propelled into orbit. It's not that Oscar deliberately eats mountains of baked beans, mush peas and rhubarb tart, it's just that he's much too polite a boy to say no.